Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Cambridge University Conservative Association in CF Take-Over Bid to Crush 'Threats Not of This World'.


CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY Conservative Association (CUCA) is apparently throwing its hat in the ring to sensationally lead a new Conservative Future (CF) National Executive in "imminent" elections, putting up candidates for National Chairman and Best Practice Officer, TBG can reveal.

The news of a another take-over bid comes just a couple of days after TBG revealed plans for CF elections and that there is an ongoing coup plot to ditch Leader Oliver Cooper in favour of a Team2015 slate, with the new face of Team2015 Alexandra Paterson running for National Chairman.

According to a senior CUCA figure the world famous Tory Association have been observing events in CF with "increasing concern". Many of its members now feel that stepping up to the plate and running the organisation themselves is the only way to prevent CF careering into a: "Cringe-worthy abyss of B-list infighting, campaigning trips to weird seaside towns which do nothing more than annoy bemused local residents and 'curry nights' with non-descript (think 'James Generic' of Newark fame) Conservative MPs who have nothing better to do and probably fancied a curry anyway."

TBG understands that prestigious former CUCA chairman James Mottram is set to run for National Chairman and will deliver a wide-ranging speech to the East India Club bar sometime in the near future with another "eminent" CUCA chairman, Callum Would, running as Best Practice Officer.

While details of Mr Mottram's speech have yet to be finalised he is expected to open his bid by stating that CF currently "lacks kindness" when dealing with its internal affairs and, as such, has made itself vulnerable to threats "not wholly of this world".

A senior CUCA source told TBG - "Mottram is also expected to sympathise with those irritated by the current National Chairman's, Oliver Cooper's, habit of turning up to university Conservative society drinks events uninvited in order to snaffle a cheeky free glass of Hendrick's Gin or Dow's Port, saying, 'Mr Cooper, as a valiant supporter of the free market, should know that welfarism is a cancer that destroys society, whatever setting it may occur in'."

Many also predict that Mr Mottram will strongly attack CF's latest campaigning idea, #RoadTrip2015, claiming, "In the twenty-first century effective campaigning involves employing subtle web-based mediums to convey messages and generate enthusiam; door-stepping is now not just ineffective and costly, it is also embarassing".

It's also expected that CUCA CF National Chairman candidate will launch a savage attack his potential opponent for CF National Chair, saying, "if Alexandra Paterson turned up at my door campaigning I would call her mother or her secondary school, I definitely wouldn't take what she said credibly, sadly".

It is also expected that the announcement of Mr Would's candidacy for Best Practice Officer will be included in Mr Mottram's speech. Mr Would is to be hailed as a "kind but just man" who 'will do to CF what he did to CUSU' and "exorcise its demons".

Sources at CUCA have revealed Mr Mottram is to claim that Mr Would's best practice policies will include requiring all CF members to have received all the Catholic sacraments, expelling libertarians and those who are only CF members for "some cut-price Vindaloo and a cheeky shag at conference in Bournemouth". Mottram also has plans to ensure that all future CF elections take place in Fisher House, Cambridge University's Catholic Chaplaincy, in a room with a locked door, the code for which will only be given to certain "men of kindness" in order to prevent "unfortunate accidents of democracy such as have occurred in CF's recent history".

After Mr Mottram's speech at the East India Club he is expected to hold a meeting with Oliver Cooper at a KFC of his choosing at which he will demand his support for his and Mr Would's candidacy. Sources close to Mr Mottram claim that he is "quietly confident" of receiving Mr Cooper's backing, having already received the backing of a number of other senior figures within the Conservative movement such as the Fellow Conspirator, Lord Cucan, the Punisher and, most recently, Desmond Fauntleroy.

[READ] - CUCA Plans For CF Affiliation With Centre-Right United Russia Party Dumped as Mottram Backs Out


Anonymous said...

Haha, more like this please. Better than the actual tripe.

Anonymous said...

''TBG understands that prestigious former CUCA chairman James Mottram is set to run for National Chairman and will deliver a wide-ranging speech to the East India Club bar sometime in the near future''

Truly man of the people, surely he will rouse the unwashed Non London/Non South East masses with a speech from such a commoners den which most CF'ers could never get into let alone afford to be a member of.

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