Thursday, 16 January 2014
Dave, Ed and Nick The Computer Repairmen.
Computer repair can be a troublesome experience for many. It can be especially so for those who don’t know what they’re doing, in some respects it can be similar to politics. Computers never do anything wrong because they do exactly what they’re told.
As with politics we often overlook the possibility that we ask the wrong questions, instead acting surprised when the unexpected happens. Over the past year I’ve noticed an increasing correlation between the approaches of the two main parties and the different methodologies in terms of computer repair.
I imagined myself walking into a computer repair store and waiting for service. Just like public transport, I waited for a while and then three assistants turn up all at once; Dave, Ed and Nick. Except it wasn’t long before Dave sent Nick to get coffee.
That keenness you see in a man who has just bested his older brother for the first time, that’s Ed, he seemed quite eager so I let him take a look at my machine first. It didn’t take much prodding and poking around before he had a solution to my problem.
"It’s easy to solve but it won’t be cheap, you need more RAM, better graphics and a new mother board. Oh and this hard drive says its 256,000 Megabytes, when in fact it’s only 0.25 Gigabytes" says Ed. Yet when I questioned if this was solving a problem rather than hiding it, he answered with "yes I suppose, but throwing money at it always makes it work, it has to, it must do. It might cost a bit, but it will go faster than it does right now, I hope."
Feeling a little perturbed by Ed, I decided to see what Dave’s advice was. I would have had a faster answer from Dave, had Ed not been pestering him for a public enquiry into why Nick was taking so long with the coffee.
Dave’s solution was thus; "Your hard drive is extremely fragmented, that will cause a deficit between the information coming in and out. If you reduce that deficit by defragmenting then you will see a long term increase in performance – less spending than Ed. That DWP chip of yours is also very inefficient, swap it with a more efficient one that uses less resources, you’ll see performance gains – cheaper than Ed."
I was faced with Ed’s option of throw money at a problem without really solving it, or Dave’s suggestion that tinkering to reduce costs (and increasing efficiency) would be better. Confronted with the option of spending or saving, I still found myself disturbed at certain things. This included the question of why I would have to get rid of the 20,000 plastic soldiers Dave had found inside my case.
When Nick eventually arrived with the coffee I picked up my laptop and decided to make a dash for it. Prior to walking away, I noticed a sullen looking gentleman stood by the exit. I asked Dave, Ed and Nick who the man was; "Oh that’s Nigel, he’s never been the same since his best mate Godfrey left after refusing to clean behind the fridge".
I quickly made excuses and departed. During the walk home I bumped into this nice chap called Russell Brand who seemed a bit ‘out there’ at first. Yet he did appear to make at least some sense when he told me to ignore the advice of Dave, Ed and Nick. Russell said he had this infallible idea about how to solve the ills of the world. When I asked Russell what his revolutionary idea was, he promptly walked in front of a bus.
Realising I’d been daydreaming, I decided to go outside and get some fresh air. For those who have been involved with politics since birth, there is a real world full of real people out there.
Follow Geordie Bore on Twitter - @mrgarethm
Edited & Posted by The Blue Guerilla at 00:00:00
2015 General Election alastair wilson alexandra swann amy atkinson anastasia beaumont bott Andrea Jenkyns andrew mitchell andrew pelling andrew thorpe-apps andy burnham andy coulson angela merkel Annesley Abercorn anti muslim anti-gay argentina assault austin mitchell back boris back boris 2012 backbencher ban banned barack obama barley mow-gate bath cf bbc ben howlett benefit cap benefits bnp bob crow bob lanzer boris boris island boris johnson boston boundary changes Brexit brighton british rail budget bullying callum crozier cameron brown campaigning cannabis cardiff catholic cchq cf cf east cf election cf london cf policy forum cf poll cf wales cfelection11 channel 4 channel five child benefit china chris grayling chris heaton-harris chris huhne chris pain christine emmett christmas Christopher Harries clare hilley cllr stephen west CLWCF coalition conference conservative future conservative future chairman conservative party conservative party conference conservative womens organisation conservativehome conservatives corby council councillors craig cox craig lawton crawley crimes criminal cross keys homes croydon cuts cyril smith daily express daily mail daily mirror dan hannan danielle fleet danny alexander darius laws dashtory data protection david cameron david davis david laws david miliband dean hyatt death death penalty debt defect deficit democracy democrats deputy chairman disabled dominic mcdonough donald trump donations downing street drunk DWP east midlands eastleigh economy ed balls ed davey ed miliband ed vaizey edl education eimhear macfarlane einy shah election Ellie Vesey-Thompson Elliott Johnson energy england english defence league environment epsom and ewell cf equal rights eric joyce eric pickles essex eu eu referendum europe evening standard exeter expenses facebook falklands feltham and heston film food food banks foreign aid foreign policy fox news france francis maude free press free schools freedom friends of Israel fuel funding fundraising funeral funny gagged gareth shanks gavin barwell gavin cook gay gay marriage gaza GE2017 general election geoff brooking george galloway george osborne gerald vernon-jackson geroge galloway Gerry Adams gordon brown gossiptory grant shapps grant tucker greenpeace gregg barker growth guardian guido fawkes gulf war halloween hampshire tories harry aldridge harry cole hartlepool health care heathrow help for heroes henry smith hollande holmes_argyle home office homophobia homosexuality house of commons howard bloom hugh muir human rights iain dale iain duncan smith ids immigration india industry inflation international aid IRA iran iraq war islam israel italy jack buckby jack whalley jacob rees-mogg Jacob Wilkinson james cleverly james deighton james morton james wharton jasmine rahman jeremy browne jeremy hunt Joan Ryan jobs joe cooke john bercow John Ferrett john hayes john mccain john peck john prescott john pye john redwood johnathan levy josh geddes julian assange justine greening karl mccartney karl williamson Kavya Kaushik KCL Tories ken clarke ken livingstone knife crime labour labour party labour youth laura-rose saunders law and order leadership bid lee gilroy leeds legal len mcCluskey Leon French leveson lgbt lgbtory lgbtq in ukip liam byrne liam fox Liam Walker lib dem lib dem rebellion liberal democrats liberal youth liberty liberty league lincoln lincolnshire lincolnshire cf liverpool liza chantelle lobbying london london 2012 london cf london spin loony left lord oakeshott lords lords reform louise mensch louise powell louth louth & horncastle lynton crosby mahiki mahiki-gate mahyar tousi mail on sunday manchester margaret thatcher maria hutchings maria miller marijuana mark clarke mark hoban mark reckless martin shapland matt robinson matthew robinson matthew wilson mayor of london michael champion michael fabricant michael gove michael mates michael rock micheal heseltine middle east mike hancock milton spies mitt romney mo metcalf-fisher Morley & Outwood mugabe muheed jeeran muslim nabil najjar nadine dorries national union of students nationalisation nazi neil hamilton netenyahu nhs nick clegg nick de bois nick southworth nicolas clark nigel farage north east north korea north west northern ireland nottingham notts county council nus oliver cooper olly neville ollyshambles olympics OUCA oxford university paddy ashdown palestine parliament parliament street party patrick mercer patrick sullivan paul holmes pensions peter mandelson peter smallwood peterborough petition philip smith phillip smith phone hacking piers morgan plotting PMQs police police and crime commissioner policy political scrapbook poll pop charts portsmouth portsmouth south posh poster campaign president hollande prime minister priti patal private sector privatisation protest public sector putin quit R.I.P. racism racist railways re-shuffle rebekah brooks rebellion recession red ed red nose day reece warren referendum religion republican party reshuffle revolution rich people richard farnell richard holloway Richard Williams richmond cf rob comley rob manning robert manning robin hunter-clarke ross butcher royal mail rufford rupert murdoch russia sacked salford samantha hoy sanctions sarah harding sarah palin sarah-jane sewell saudi arabia sayeeda warsi schools scotland scottish independence scottish tories secret society sex sexism shane moore Silvio Berlusconi simon danczuk simon harley simon hughes sir george young sky news SNP social action socialism south east south east cf south-west cf south-west regional chairman Southampton spending stacey bott stephen canning stephen hoffman steve hilton stewart jackson stoke-on-trent strike surrey cf swansea cf syria tara hewitt tax tax cuts tax payers alliance tbg tbg tv teamjasmine telegraph terrorists the commentator the guardian the hoff the old lion the pope the queen the sun the times the wright stuff theblueguerilla theresa may thorpe-apps tim farron toby elliot tommy robinson tony blair tory tory bear tory chairman tory reform group trade union transport trolls tuc tuition fees twitter ucl uganda uk ukip ukip conference unemployment unions UNISON unite Universal Credit usa victoria ayling vince cable violence violent protest virgin trains wales war wedding welfare welsh conservatives west coast rail westminster whitehall william hague wind farms wirral cf woolwich work and pensions working class working man worsester cf wwe yazdan chowdhury ybf yougov young independence yvette cooper zac goldsmith zahid raja zanu pf zimbabwe zionist federation