Sunday, 26 January 2014

CUCA Set To Field Candidates Against CF Illuminati Aliens.


A SENIOR Cambridge University Conservative Association (CUCA) official has sensationally spilled the beans over rumours that a former member of the association could be in the running for Conservative Future (CF) National Chairman, TBG can reveal.

Election whispers about a Mr Zemlik of Corpus Christi College, Cambridge, and a former member of the distinguished Cambridge University Conservative Association are rife and one top-dog has dramatically exposed the powerful dark forces within CF bringing ever-closer its own "demise". He claims CUCA plan to bring down these shadowy figures in order to save the Tory party and the world, exclusively on TBG.

Our cloaked source revealed to TBG that the Cambridge University Conservative Association is:

  • Fraternity of like-minded individuals 
  • Seeking to restore the divine light of natural reason to the world 
  • To restore the world to its former glory - A glory that preceded the ravages of globalisation moral relativism and inane technological advancement

He then went into some enlightening detail - "For some time now, there have been hushed rumours, murmurs, whispers among certain senior members of CUCA that the reason for CF's spectacular demise from a once influential youth organisation to a band of bickering juveniles is that it is in the grip of the Illuminati, an Enlightenment-era secret society turned rogue.

"It has been alleged that the Illuminati are seeking to make CF so unappealing and unprofessional that all the non-Illuminati members will quit in disgust either to establish their own Conservative youth organisation or to join Young Independence, leaving CF manned solely by a rump of dedicated Illuminati. Thence, they will re-build the organisation, using its leverage on the Conservative Party proper to put forward Illuminati candidates in certain safe seats in time for the 2020 elections.

"This line of reasoning, reached unanimously by the best intellects CUCA has to offer, clearly explains why individuals so repulsive to the majority of CF-ers, let alone Conservative voters, are continuously being elected to positions of national prominence within the organisation.

"What is CUCA's role in this saga, you may ask? CUCA was founded at the dawn of the twentieth century by a group of Illuminati members who believed that the Illuminati as a whole had become corrupted. They believed that the Illuminati had been infiltrated by lizard aliens from another planet who proceeded to turn the organisation away from the cause of truth and towards world domination; as such, CUCA is not merely a Conservative society but, at its core, is a fraternity of people dedicated to restoring the light of divine reason to the world, a light which the alien lizards now running the Illuminati wish to flush out. 

"Johnny Zemlik and Chairman James Mottram, the two great wardens of our order, have been watching events in CF closely and with increasing concern. They realise that there is not much time left before the whole of CF becomes an Illuminati-front and, thus, before the British government falls victim to the clutches of these avaricious lizard aliens.

"As a result, they have both been considering running for positions on the CF National Executive to fight the Illuminati from within and restore CF to its former glory. I can say no more: forces malign examine my every move, the lizards know that CUCA is on to them and will do all in its power to stop them."

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Anonymous said...

I fucking knew it!!

Anonymous said...

Save us from these tousi type lizards CUCA, we beg of you.

Anonymous said...

Cooper put a lizard baby in that girl of his to keep his alliance with the Illuminati strong. We'll be in trouble when that comes to term.

Will he stay or will he chemo said...

Did the lizards cure Tousi of his tumour as part of an audacious bid to take over CF?

Anonymous said...

Great, replace a bunch of pompous gibbons with an even bigger bunch of self-righteous, pompous gibbons. CUCA should stay well clear of the National CF. Although the current lot aren't great, they sure as hell won't embarrass the national party as much as these oddballs!

A Fellow Conspirator said...

Sir, your insolence reveals a total ignorance of the fraternity that is CUCA. You may well sneer and dismiss us as 'oddballs' - people for generations have been doing the same - but our human race, unique and blessed by god and, as such, capable of the most profound feats of wisdom, is in grave peril from dark forces. They are growing in strength: we are convinced that these forces ("lizards" to the uninitiated)are using CF as a springboard for world domination. I do not expect you to comprehend the reasoning engaged in by the finest intellects CUCA had to offer that reached such a conclusion, but, believe me, the conclusion itself is comprehensive and indubitable. So, laugh now like the small souled men of old laughed at the divine reasoning of Socrates, but when the lizards finally muster their forces for total colonisation of earth so that they can acquire the gold needed to keep their immune system functioning and you and your family are sold into slavery on their home planet of Howlet Sewell Delta (a dark and evil place), then you will wish you had never doubted the wisdom of our fraternity. Vale, I can say no more.

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